On living alone (31/10/19) | On being lonely (15/11/19)

It's quiet, it's cozy, it's a new feeling.
A little weightless at times, when I don't really know what to do with myself because I've not had this much alone time in forever.

And I've never ever been completely alone. Now that I think about it, being alone was such a fear of mine. When I was younger, I thought I was profound by fearing being alone. And fearing time. I guess I was just being human. 

Today I made the choice of staying home alone and playing video games instead of going out for Halloween because I felt tired and like I needed recharging ,and I think it was the right choice. I've been feeling like I've been returning to things I've not done in a long time like listening to lots of music, reading a lot for pleasure and it's been lovely. A little lonely at times, but I guess we all feel like that sometimes. 

It's a great experience, having a space thats just my own, my fortress, my little burrow :) 

***

It happened suddenly,
sunny day - happy girl
and then...
The throat tightens,
the lips press in a thin line,
the heart grows heavy...

I felt so alone.

Girl, it's Friday night,
in a new city,
full of life, full of things to experience
gigs to see, places to be
drinks to sip, foods to eat,
people to meet...

And yet I'm home.
Alone.

I'm missing F,
missing family,
feeling silly, do I 
even have friends?!

But I talked it through,
cried it out, wiped
my eyes, and now
I'm having pasta and
wine and video games.


PS. This was a time of my life where the Witcher 3 was a major coping mechanism :)