On airports (24/11/19)

I love and hate airports. They carry a sense of adventure, the promise of new places, of reunions, of my favourite people.

I love getting on a flight that brings me into the arms of family and friends. I love meeting humans at the airport.

But my god, does it tear me apart leaving home, or seeing him off. Then the airport is just a shipping mall without a soul, a place that takes my human away from me.

How many tears have I shed at various airports around the world? 

Sofia airport departures could well be the saddest place in the world.

Aberdeen airport after a holiday at home.

Munich, when he is away to Scotland.

I wonder how many more will there be?

On living alone (31/10/19) | On being lonely (15/11/19)

It's quiet, it's cozy, it's a new feeling.
A little weightless at times, when I don't really know what to do with myself because I've not had this much alone time in forever.

And I've never ever been completely alone. Now that I think about it, being alone was such a fear of mine. When I was younger, I thought I was profound by fearing being alone. And fearing time. I guess I was just being human. 

Today I made the choice of staying home alone and playing video games instead of going out for Halloween because I felt tired and like I needed recharging ,and I think it was the right choice. I've been feeling like I've been returning to things I've not done in a long time like listening to lots of music, reading a lot for pleasure and it's been lovely. A little lonely at times, but I guess we all feel like that sometimes. 

It's a great experience, having a space thats just my own, my fortress, my little burrow :) 

***

It happened suddenly,
sunny day - happy girl
and then...
The throat tightens,
the lips press in a thin line,
the heart grows heavy...

I felt so alone.

Girl, it's Friday night,
in a new city,
full of life, full of things to experience
gigs to see, places to be
drinks to sip, foods to eat,
people to meet...

And yet I'm home.
Alone.

I'm missing F,
missing family,
feeling silly, do I 
even have friends?!

But I talked it through,
cried it out, wiped
my eyes, and now
I'm having pasta and
wine and video games.


PS. This was a time of my life where the Witcher 3 was a major coping mechanism :) 

F., ca 11/2017

 I will hold you close enough
    to hear my heart beat
I will let you near enough
to know my skin and scars.

Fragments of my world
might become familiar to you…
But I cant let you have
my soul or know my mind 
completely.

You will share your nights
with me, sipping tea in bed
Pillow chat, sweet talk

all honest and revealed

while I tuck in words

and pieces in the corners of my brain

so you wont have all

of me.

I have loved and I 

have burned, but

I cant to this again, 

not now, not yet.

Maybe one day I will 

forget, my heart will mend, and one could 

have a peak at me

I will however be there

to hold you and support

you while you share yourself

with me, I will be

alongside you.

You're my favourite weather:

the autumn sun kissing my skin,
the bright blue skies dotted with
fluffy white babby clouds,
the smell of the grass and the
leaves, the surprising heat that
saves me when I've sat in the
shade for too long, and the
little breeze that comes and graces me with its touch
when my skin is burning
im the sun.

You are the pitter-pattering rain
on my window at night
when it's cold outside and I'm
cozy at home, wrapped in a blanked,
clasping a cup of tea.

You're always here with me,
sharing these moments in
my thoughts, in my heart,
on my lips, at my fingertips.

(27.10.2019)

on therapy (04.03.2020)

What fascinates and attracts me to psychotherapy is the elegance of word, the slight of wits, the communication mastery taking place in sessions. It appeals to me, to be so highly trained, so skilled, so apt at picking up cues and getting the privilege of peaking into another one's soul.

It may seem like a voyeuristic, pompous, delusion of grandeur kind of idea, like I am after the power play, like I want to just dissect the human soul, pick my patients apart and assemble them back together, but it's not like that.

It's the meeting of humans, the baring of the self; the trust, the growth, the change... 
I want to know how to do this, and I will work really really hard to get there, to become a good therapist! I want to learn to be patient, observant, and to help my clients heal. It's fascinating one could do that with no scalpel and no pill... And more, you give the impulses, but it is the patient, not the therapist, who does the huge chunk of work, the hardest part. I want to learn how to be there for someone else like that.

I want to change things for the better, not for the world, but hopefully for the people that come to my office. One person at a time... It would still matter, it is important, hopefully it would change the world of that one person you succeeded at helping.

I too will bare my soul along the way. I know I will be confronted with dire secrets, great sorrows, and life's greatest challenges. I will likely doubt my competence in ways deeper than I ever have before, I will most probably suffer some, and I will most definitely make mistakes along the way. Some of them would launch me forward, and some will stall my progress...

It is a scary prospect and a daunting process. I am willing to set off on this long, winding journey to becoming who I think I am meant to be. 

***

Me from today: Wow... little did I know, but some thoughts were kinda on point there.