The thing you are not prepared for when you go abroad.

I am pretty sure this is going to be the hardest,  the most honest, and the most liberating thing that I have written.

Truth is, I am sad. Sometimes. And I am happy, most of the time, and usually, I am happy and sad at the same time. It's like having two lightbulbs with two switches, and they can glow together, or they can be off together, or they can alternate. But they always co-exist in one way or another.

Going abroad... is one of the best, and also scariest things that can happen to you. You encounter so many things so early in your life, and you need to face most of it alone. Away from family, friends, lovers... away from the people you disliked in high school, if you like. Away from your favourite places, away from that coffeeshop you love, away from the small streets you love, away... from your world. And for some time, going away feels like moving on, like opening a blank page and creating yourself and your life anew. However, creating yourself... is not an actual thing because you already are yourself - you carry your past, you carry your dreams, your expectations, your fears... you carry your home within your heart, and you carry your hopes for a new home.

At times, you feel on top of the world. You find great new friends, you love your uni, you love your degree... you maybe even found a decent (or a fantastic!) flat to live in. You have internet and social media and you find a way of keeping in touch with everyone who's dear to you. And you feel enough, you feel like you have more than enough, you feel that the Universe loves you.

Someone very drunk once told me the Universe didn't care about me. It was a scary thought, and a true one. You are there to care for yourself and to make things happen. You can have support, and love, and moments with fantastic people, but at the end.. you are alone with yourself, you are alone in your head and your heart.

And sometimes this aloneness turns into loneliness, no matter how much you have going on in your life... it's usually in the moments when you least expect it. It catches you off guard. It's something irrational, and you can't talk yourself out of it, no matter how strong your logic is.

And t's tough.
And it sucks...
And it makes you angry and confused and frustrated and sad, so sad...

But in the moments when you are at you lowest, when you feel like logically, there are numerous lights at the end, and you are not even in a tunnel, you feel trapped. You become a prisoner of your mind, and your brain shakes you up at night with horrible nightmares. Asshole. And even though you see through this nightmares, at some point, you break...

Some people complain, other exercise, or draw, or drink, or ignore everything; and me... I am overwhelmed by myself, by my emotions, by my stress levels that I have pushed away away, underneath my conscious perception (did I mention that being a Psychology student does not necessarily make things easier - you understand, but you somehow can't change the situation, you can't snap out of it). So I cry. I drop a bomb of words on the only person I feel completely at ease around. And it's a moment that feels horrible, and it feels wrong.

I am scared to admit that there's something off until after it's all gotten to me. And then a single conversation or two, and a bucket of tears later... I begin to see clearly. I feel lighter. I turn my nervous, sad, heart-wrenching energy into something else. I suddenly feel inspired. I feel I am at my weakest point, and I become strong. I suddenly shake everything off and I feel like creating something, getting every last word out of my system. And I feel myself again.

So yeah... moments like this take you by surprise when you live abroad, away from everyone that is a huge part of you. You have people, but are not sure you can open up to them... And to be fair, it's me who thinks this, and it's me who does this to myself. I have found friends, great friends, who wouldn't turn me down if I went up to them and needed them... I just need to jump over the wall of paralysing fear that.. maybe that they will get scared away, freaked out, that they would want to reject me because I overwhelm them... but maybe it's not like that...

Maybe you're different, maybe you cope differently. Or maybe you feel just the same. In this case know that you are not alone in this. And I know a few hours ago I felt alone in this, albeit being completely aware that so many people around me feel the same way sometimes.

When you go abroad, you will be homesick. You will be overwhelmed. You will doubt your identity, You will be scared to quit, you will be scared of facing a failure.

But you will also find a new home, new ways of coping, new strength within you, you will continue to build yourself and create yourself, and you will do great things with these two hands of yours, you will come up with amazing ideas, you will inspire, have adventures, and moments you feel free, and young, and alive... and you will know it is all worth it. This is the best and, sometimes, the worst time of your life. 
This is you living your life.
Face it.
Get through it.
You'll do just fine.
Actually, you'll do great.

*When you feel lonely:
-go for a walk
-cry it out
-take a long shower or a bath
-talk to someone
-draw or colour in
-meditate
-message a friend, especially if it's someone you feel close to, but haven't really talked to
-take a nap
-make tea
-listen to a band you used to love, or which you used to listen to on roadtrips with your family (it really helps!)
-dance in a silly way
-take your time....
-never forget that this too shall pass