hey

i don't know. i am ill, and sitting on the sofa and procrastinating sleep, and i just saw s4e7 of sex education. this show gets so much right actually. it's always the british shows, isn't it?

i noticed I cannot cry tonight. i cannot weep to films lately, not like i used to. i can feel, and i can go with it, but either my tears are done for today (i did cry some in therapy), or i am dealing differently with the emotion and empathy. maybe it's a bit of both.

and the emotion is there. god, the scene where maeve and otis realise they are going to part ways... it didn't break me, but it sure did strike a heartstring. i thought of normal people too. and of so many other stories that go in similar ways. the love still there, the life trajectories moving apart. then maeve saying goodbye to her mum and to the caravan park, the song that starts, what a poignant, bittersweet moment. 

i looked around. i have a beautiful living room. and it is okay i am sitting here alone, surrounded by my snotty tisues, with a drunken cuppa, teabag still in, porcelain still warm to the touch. it's a christmas mug, i think we got it together when you visited here. my eyes wander to the right of me, on the large green sofa, and i can almost see you here, next to me, at an arm's length. i can feel your presence (not in a creepy way though, don't worry). my eyes get smudgy with tears for a moment. 

it is alright. i can carry you with me, you can occupy space in my thoughts. 

oh i am so grateful for this, for being able to think and feel like this. 

i can carry my memories, hold my love, and live the life i want and need to. 

my thoughts wander with the music, and i think about all the people whose lives i am a part of, especially as their therapist. how they spend their evenings. i think of my patient who says goodnight to the photo of their parent every single night and i feel a fine tether of connection.